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Tag Archives: children

The Three Words That Get You in Trouble at My House

28 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by thestewartteam in Uncategorized

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Tags

children, entitled, equality, fairness, parenting, responsibility

unfair

I’ve got to switch subject gears. I’m focusing on my most important job today, Mom. This week I have encountered a few articles on the Internet. Some I agreed with, others I did not, but all of which reminded me that we world is in turmoil. There are some really serious things going on right now in Nepal and in Baltimore, but today I wanted to focus a little more minutely. Today I wanted to talk about my house specifically. Apply it as you wish.

In the last few months, and thanks to a suggestion from a friend of the family, three words have become taboo in our home: “That’s Not Fair.” Oh, we have all heard those words, especially if you are a parent to a speaking child. We have probably even muttered them a time or two. They can be used when someone got more milk than someone else. They can be used when someone struck out in the baseball game. They can be used when someone got the iPad first. They can be used all of the time. We LOVE these words. We use them all of the time.

We’ve all heard the adage, “Life’s not fair,” and it’s true. It’s not. Bad things happen to good people. Things happen that shouldn’t. Extenuating circumstances can alter one’s life for seemingly no reason at all. It sucks. But, what can we do about it? Really? Not much. I can spend my time pouring milk evenly, and counting minutes to make sure everything is shared evenly, but what’s the point? Is the rest of the boys’ lives going to be like this. Nope. Will their bosses make sure they have the same amount of work as everyone else? Will their teachers make sure that if they have homework everyone else does too? Will restaurants count out the perfect amount of fries on everyone’s plates to make sure they all get ten. Absolutely not. So, why should I?

In a conversation with my sister not too long ago she relayed this idea to me, and I latched on to it immediately. My kids LOVE the phrase “That’s not fair.” Love IT! So, I outlawed it. Anyone who uses the phrase faces a punishment. I spoke with my kids about why this was outlawed in our home. We discussed the reasons we had for not allowing this phrase to fill up their vocabulary. They may not get it now, but one day they will.

Life is not fair

Yeah, I have mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again. It’s not. Things are going to happen that don’t make any sense. Nothing in this world is perfectly even. Some people face hardship after hardship, for apparently no reason at all. Athletic ability comes naturally to some, while others have the ability to make an A on a test without ever opening a book. Accidents will happen and illnesses will come whether you do your best to prevent them or not. My youngest son has food allergies. He can’t have ice cream or cheese, for crying out loud! That’s certainly not fair. Is it the hand he was dealt? Yep. We deal with it, and try to find coconut ice cream whenever we can!  I try to explain to my children that in this life some people have more than others. Maybe they worked hard for it, and maybe they didn’t, but it is what it is. Some children were born into horrible situations in life, but they still have the same abilities and choices as everyone else. I explain that no matter what, they have the ability to make anything they want to out of their lives. It’s not about fairness. It’s about choices.

No One is Entitled

No one in this world is entitled to anything. Just because someone else has something, doesn’t mean you get to have it too. Material possessions or jobs, you have the right to nothing in this world. I try to teach my children that if you want something, you have to work for it. My oldest son struggles with coordination and athletic prowess. He watches boys on his baseball team hit home runs and catch pop flies with ease, and he gets frustrated. We discuss with him that he has the ability to do those things, he’s just going to have to work harder than the other boys. My husband and I do our best  to provide a good life for the boys, but we also explain that we work hard to be able to provide them with the opportunities they have been given. Do we give them treats and rewards and presents? Sure. But we discuss that these things are just that, not something we are required to give them.  They have to do their part to be a productive member of this family and this world. If there is something they want out of this life, they have to buckle down and figure out a way to make it happen.

Life is not as bad as you would think

On the other side of this fairness coin is the fact that life is what you make it. The boys have a pretty good life. There is not much they are in need of. It’s easy for us, as parents, to indulge them. So, at our house we try to take some time to talk to the boys about how lucky they are, and what we can do to help those who do not have to luxuries in life that we do. No, you are not going to have an iPhone at 8 years old or an iPad at 6 years old, but you will have the ability to earn those things when the time is right. What about the children who cant even afford books to read before bed, or food to eat, or shoes so they can go to school? You, my boys, are entitled to nothing, but to help these people.

I know that when my kids take a step back from the life they want, they will see the life that is around them. They will see they are not the center of the world, but merely a person who has a responsibility in this world. So, my children are not allowed to say “That’s not fair,” in my house. I want them to know that while they are the center of MY world, they are not the center of THE world. I want them to know that everything is possible with a little hard work. I want them to know that they have a duty in this world. And I want them to know that while life is not fair, it can be anything they want it to be with a little determination and perseverance.

Aside

What I Would Tell Myself 7 Years Ago.

31 Friday Jan 2014

Posted by thestewartteam in Uncategorized

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Tags

children, love

So, I started this blog telling you that I had no specific theme in mind. It’s not a fitness blog, or a mommy blog, or maybe even an insightful blog! It is simply a way for me to practice my writing skills. I am writing only about the things that pop in my mind. So, enjoy the ride!

Yesterday, my oldest son turned 7. This is a weird age for me. Up to this point, he still had some “baby” characteristics. While turning six made me realize he was a boy now instead of a baby, he was still in Kindergarten, which, in my mind, is still in the “preschool genre.” No more. He is now 7, in the first grade, and huge.

Like any parent, I am immensely proud of him. He is amazing. He’s funny, smart, silly, handsome, kind. He also is emotional, passionate, high maintenance, and ornery. This little boy can push my buttons like no one else on this earth. The problem is he is JUST like me. We have the exact same personality. I see so much of myself when I was his age. I know why he acts the way he does. I know what he’s feeling. I, unfortunately, don’t respond to him the way I should.

Every day I drop him off a school, help him put on his backpack, give him a kiss, tell him I love him, and watch him run his little heart out all they way to front door. Every time I watch this, I smile the biggest smile possible, and feel my heart swell. I love him so much. He makes me so happy. Then, I pick him up. He runs through the same doors, makes eye contact with me, and we both light up! Then… he talks. A lot of times it is happy, explain the day type conversation. Other times, it’s the instant whining, I want this now type conversation. Unfortunately, with him I don’t always have the best patience where he is concerned. I try to remind myself that we all have bad days. He’s entitled to be in a bad mood. He’s allowed to be cranky after a long day sometimes. But I forget that. A lot.

 

I thought a lot yesterday about the day he was born. I always do that on the kid’s birthdays. His labor and delivery was awful. I honestly still haven’t gotten over it. I’m not sure I ever will. Seriously. It was awful. However, I had a beautiful product of that horridness. I remember that first night well. It was after everyone left and it was really quiet. It was just the husband and I in the room and I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours. I laid my new baby on my chest and tickled this little bit of fur (for lack of a better term) on his back. We cuddled and I sang to him; I fed him and loved on him. I was in love. All of those clichéd ideas are true. You cannot fathom the depths of love until you have a child. However, as we have grown in our lives as a family I realized that I had no idea what I was talking about. I’m not just talking about in terms on being a new mother. No new mothers know what they are doing. None. I’m talking about how much that love would be tested. Not just by lack of sleep or crying babies. I would take that everyday and twice on Sunday compared to the toddler years of no and the growing years of asserting themselves.
I am certain everyday that I am screwing him up in his own special way. I picture him thirty years from now in some therapist’s office rattling off the list of things I did to screw him up. As a matter of fact there are moments I will say something and think “I should write that down as a reference for him later of where it all went wrong.” Seriously. I know that the teenage years are coming, and I am currently finding a place in the house to physically hunker myself down and pray my way through them.
I don’t know how I am going to get through all of that, but I do know I spent months of his life worrying about things that did not matter where he was concerned. I want to sit down with new moms and tell them to stop worrying about things like breastfeeding, and solids feeding, and sleep training (ugh I had that phrase), and pacifiers. It doesn’t matter if he has the cutest stroller, carseat, or clothes. What I have learned along the way is that none of that will affect the person my son will become. He was breastfed, had solids at the “recommended” time, we did not sleep train, but he always slept in his own bed, and he had a pacifier until he was two, and he now sucks on his arm (we are working on it); but NONE of that has any impact on him today. It didn’t make him calmer, or happier, or a better friend. What has affected those things is how I talked to him, or reacted to him. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let it all go. What does matter is how you talk to him, how you interact with him, how you play with him, and that you play with him. While I want my child to be healthy, I want him to be a good person, know he’s loved, and feel secure. That comes from his family. All he needs is love.

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